By: Olaoye Deborah Kakaki
It is not uncommon to see good Ladies choosing to date bad guys over the good ones. Have you ever wondered why most Ladies leave the calm, decent, and religious brothers so to say, but rather go for the ones who are dreadlocks and chain smokers with tattoos; hence, abusive, unloving and unreasonable?
Even when the relationship is abusive, they still prefer to stay with the abusive lover. Look around you, you will always see an example. It May be your friend, neighbor, or even yourself.
This issue looks odd from the social standpoint. In fact, most times, we see the victim as being stupid. The good news is that researches have shown that it is normal. I mean, very normal.
In fact, they gave it a name called 'Stockholm Syndrome'. Stockholm syndrome is an emotional condition where the victim has a positive bond or attachment with their abuser or rather, indecent lover.
The origin of Stockholm syndrome
Stockholm syndrome was originally observed when hostages who were kidnapped, not only bonded with their kidnappers, but also fell in love with them ( www.goodtherapy.org ).
This syndrome was later discovered to be present in relationships of all kinds. It happens at home and places of work. An abused wife refuses to divorce or give up her abusive husband to the police or an abused employee refuses to quit a job that no longer pays him/her.
I once lived in a four bedroom flat, and on one hot afternoon, I heard the rumbling of plates, pots, chairs, etc in one of the rooms occupied by two cohabiting students living together. At first, I thought they were playing and mistakenly touched those things, but later, I started hearing someone crying profusely. Certainly, it was a conflict.
I was expecting my other neighbors to come out, so I could join them, and together, go address the fighting couples in embryo, but no one came out. Later, the same evening, the both of them came out but the Lady was with a swollen blood shot eyes which is obviously the result of a big blow. Not only that, she couldn't wale well. She has been beaten up by her boyfriend.
The following day, the size of the eye has doubled and this time accompanied with a bandage. Funnily, the girl was still smiling with the boy. In fact, the way they play love outside is enough to intimidate anyone to start cohabiting too. Outside, they were love birds, but inside, they were each other's punching bag.
This beating continued for a session and not for once did the girl call for help. She endured all the beating. All efforts to talk to her about it proved abortive. She's always with swollen eye, or lip or leg, bandaged arm etc.
To every other occupant in the house, it was a stupid thing for the girl to endure; but for her, she enjoyed it. At least, she didn't call for help.
This sounds crazy but it's real. At some point, I tried talking to her but she kept saying 'I love him. He might be aggressive but he has several good parts that make up for his bad part.' Waoh; interesting!
Causes
Victims of abuse choose to stay with abusers for different reasons;
Perceived Investment - People may prefer to stay in abusive relationships if they believed they've invested too much in the relationship for it not to work. Maybe they've cried too much, suffered too long to back off and they think they can endure to the finish point. Investment may vary from financial to emotional or even physical.
Means of Survival - Victims in most cases sees staying with the abuser as the only means of survival. They believe if they make move to quit, the abuse may place a threat on them and their life is at risk. An example is a father that sexually abused his daughter and mandates her never to tell anyone or else she might lose her life. The only means of survival left for such daughter maybe to keep quiet and endure which is most times the worst.
Status Maintenance - A lot of people are scared of changing status especially when the abuser hold an important position in their life. An abused wife will be reluctant to flee an abusive relationship if the husband is the sole bread winner of the home or if she thinks leaving will bring about status degradation. Victims do not want to loose their lifestyle.
Gratitude - As a way of showing gratitude, a victim may refuse to leave the abuser if they believe they are being treated well in other aspects.
Is there a solution?
Yes and no. Yes because, it's based on the victims choice. No because, the victim can't be forced. The solution is based on choice. Forcing or persuading the victims to leave or give up their abuser to law enforcement agencies is far from the solution.
Can you be of help to such people?
Yes, you can be of help by adopting the following approaches;
Psychoeducation
Psychoeducation is a two spronged fork. Psycho which relates to the mind and education which relates to enlightenment. Psychoeducation simply means mind education or mental enlightenment. This involves giving the victim enough knowledge about what is going on. Listen to them without judgement, ask them how they feel and think and how they see the situation, then strengthen their minds with words. Victims of abuse needs to be empowered to make their own decisions. Don't try to convince them as this may cause the victim to start defending their abuser.
Identify the connection and help them disconnect
Some victims are hooked to their abusive lover because of some secret connection. For instance, a covenant between them can be the hook. The lover may have affected their intuition with some words like, 'it's you and me against the world, I'm doing everything so we can have the best, etc.' They may think if they leave, it's a breach of loyalty.
Address their Intuition
Being in an abusive relationship can cause intuition damage and victims may be confused about realities. Help them by motivating them to trust and believe in themselves.
Nice one
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